I Don't Want to be in Love

     I think I've come to a major realization about the influence music had on my middle-school self.  I am almost positive that a great contributor to my cynicism about all relationships at the teenage level is the renowned band Good Charlotte.  Good Charlotte and their chart-topping song "I Don't Wanna Be In Love", that is. 
      Hear me out: in 7th grade the catholic middle schools would all congregate for dances and they'd be just long enough to get through the cleaner (or I guess the apropriate term would be less inappropriate) Top 40 songs.  "I Don't Wanna Be In Love" made it on that list for the majority of the year.  7th grade was also the time of my first "boyfriend".  Even though it was strictly a talk-on-the-phone-every-day-but-no-contact-outside-of-that relationship, to the rest of my friends and me it was as legitimate as it got.
     What does any of this have to do with my cynicism?  Well we broke up (shocker of all shockers, right?) and I realized that I needed to not care, especially not in front of my friends.  Now don't get me wrong, the amount that I genuinely did care was not very much but just enough to want to hide it.  My favorite song at that time was, of course, that little Good Charlotte diddy I always heard at dances.  There's a line in that song that goes "We break-up, it's something that we do now.  Everyone has got to do it sometime, it's all right, let it go, get out there and find someone."  and that became my mantra.  That's what I would tell my friends whenever they asked if I was sad (or for the cattier friends, when they tried to point out how sad I should be). 
      I guess I clung to that a little too intensely in my head and somewhere along the line those words became law.  Everyone had to brake up eventually and when they do it shouldn't be sad, they should get out there asap.  When that song becomes your bible at a young age I guess it's hard to shake it off as you get older and not everyone breaks-up.  I'm not saying that's the only, only, only reason I'm cynical, but it definitely didn't help.  Interesting how something as silly as a pop-song could help shape someone...

'Tis The Season

     Well here we are again, Christmas time is in four days and with that it's time for self-reflection.  Last year I remember being in Chile and wanting nothing more than a white christmas.  This year I might not get my white Christmas but surprise of all surprises, my family came up from Chile!  I never really considered I could get the best of both worlds.  Well this year I can drive myself around which comes in handy when you have a job and friends and just want alone time.  Ginny (my car) is kind of like what my room used to be.  Also my brother's friends and my brother have come back from their first semester of college...it's weird. 
    Speaking of college, I've gotten in a couple of places and the more acceptances I get the more lost I become.  All I want for Christmas is to know where I want to go.  A lot of people either applied early decision or had a very clear first choice; needless to say I'm beyond jealous of them.  Who knew I'd be here, blogging and thinking about college and Christmas.  My Christmas list was pretty simple this year but very clear so it's easy to follow.  I want a couple new CDs, a couple new books, knee-high boots (I mean I am a typical teenage girl after all), and some nail polish.  But again, I'd switch all that for a clear choice of my future.  I'm a bit terrified of picking the wrong thing.  Also I always said I wanted to go somewhere where I don't know anyone but I never really took into consideration what that would do to my current friendships.  I'm scared my best friends won't be my best friends anymore.  I'm scared because I know that's basically inevitable.  Hopefully all works out.  I still have time to worry about it and at the same time I still have time to worry about nothing, being a second-semester senior and all.  Wow, me, a second-semester senior.  Things happen fast, and this Christmas break, as short as it may be, will be unforgettable, if for nothing else than the simple fact that this is the last Christmas before everything changes.  I want to go ice skating and I want to see my friends.  I want to see all my friends, so that I have at least one more memory with each of them before I go add more friends to my life. 

    So Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Survived-the-End-of-the-World, I hope you have an amazing end to 2012 and an even better 2013 (you know, the year I graduate high school)!

Fact: there are over 1000 types of trees in the world.

     What are trees?  They're an organism that makes up part of an ecosystem.  I could go on into more detail but the gist of it is that a tree is a plant with bark and leaves.
     What did trees used to be?  Trees used to be dancing creatures, shadowy and mysterious bad guys, or even enchanted objects that attacked anyone that came near in the case of Harry Potter.  Trees were alive back then, and I'm not talking about alive as in the biological sense that they're living, breathing organisms.  I'm talking about alive as in having a mind, a spirit, a soul, and even feelings.
     Now, if you haven't already caught on, I'm not referring to what trees were like four billion years ago.  I'm referring to what they were like when we were little.
     When we were kids, everything was alive and magical.  Trees were people or castles, clouds were the kingdom in the sky, boxes were spaceships or houses, the floor was lava that, when you fell into it, turned you into one of the lava monsters.  I don't know about you, but that world sounds like a lot more entertaining than ours.
     So here's my question: when did Teribethia, Narnia, Hogwarts, and Neverland stop being real?  When did it become impossible to start your Pokemon journey or go visit  Spongebob at Bikini Bottom?  When did you stop wishing your magical powers would come, or stop trying to make your air, fire, earth, or water-bending work?
     I'm not even old yet and it's safe to say that a tree is never going to come alive and dance again.  When did 17 suddenly not become the most awesome, exciting, thrilling, worth-the-wait year?  If I had one wish, it would be to have one more hour basking in the world where everything is alive and enchanting.  Just one hour to believe in anything and everything once more.

Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride

     Miss me? Sorry, I've been doing all my blogging on good old fashioned paper for the past few months, but I'm back now and boy do I have a huge revelation (thanks in part to Lilo and Stitch as well as the homecoming theme this year).

     So you know how people always describe events as a roller coaster ride?  Some go as far as to say that life is one big roller coaster ride?  Well I completely agree with those people, but for more than just the obvious "life has ups and downs".  The metaphor is way more than that, it delves deeper into the experience of riding a roller coaster.
     Yes, a roller coaster goes up and down.  That's pretty easy to relate to life; throughout your life there are good moments and bad ones of the like.  You don't really notice yourself go up though, or at least I don't.  It's a slow rise and, if you're actually noticing it instead of talking with the person next to you,  the entire time you're just worrying about the inevitable descent.  The only time you really grasp how high up you were is as you're plummeting towards the ground.  You don't notice all the great times in your life, they hide themselves as mundane events, until things start going wrong.  You don't realize how good you had it because you were so aware that something unpleasant was someday going to happen.  So there's the rise of the elevator.  The fall is also pretty accurate.  You drop at ungodly speeds and just when you think you're about to die, you're suddenly facing upright again.  Something can seem like the worst thing in the world and sometimes it feels as though you're never going to get out of the fog, and then you realize that life keeps going and it's not the end.
     Roller coasters are terrifying, there is no denying that.  Life is terrifying, there is definitely no denying that. And yet a roller coaster with no descent, life with nothing bad ever happening, doesn't sound like an enjoyable ride.  The fear, the excitement, the possibilities, the negative and the positive, these are the things that make life worth living.

The Camila

     The jock. The popular one. The nerd.  These titles all seem so incredibly outdated, but the idea of them still hangs.  The word "the"is possibly the strongest word when it comes to how we describe others.  It implies that she is the only person, or at least the main one, that holds that characteristic.  We label ever person with "the"; teenagers would call it a persons "reputation".  Now instead of someone's reputation being as vague as jock or cheerleader, they are the partier, the alcoholic, the clingy one.  It's what one person thinks of whenever they think of you.  How much does that suck?
     The straight-edge, the prude, the slacker, the nice one, the slut, the leader.  That's me.  I am all of the above, and none of the above.  I do not drink or smoke so yes, technically I am a straight-edge.  However, I don't care if others drink or smoke while I'm around, so I'm not the most straight-edged person out there.  I do not "go far" with boys, and I don't really plan too any time soon so yes I am by definition a prude.  I do however very much enjoy the occasional "hook-up" quite a lot, so I am no where near the prudest girl out there.  I do not let myself stress out over something like school, I don't always hand in homework, and I'm usually not prepared for class.  I am by definition lazy.  I also get good grades, and grasp the material exellently, so I'm not about to get an award for slacker of the year anytime soon.  I am friendly to all, or I try to be.  That makes me friendly.  I get frustrated, annoyed, and bitchy towards people pretty frequently; there are plenty of friendlier people out there.  Again, I love making-out with people.  Not really ashamed of it.  I won't go far though so I can get ruled out for slut supreme.  I was class president so I am a leader; I love being a leader.  I can't make decisions and am no longer class president; not exactly the best leader.
     This post is titled "The Camila", a title that should be changed because I know plenty of other Camilas.  Truth is I am all of those things, just without the "the".  No one word suits me perfectly; no one word can sum up who I am.  No one word is sufficient to describe anybody.  It's the combination of all the possible titles that make us who we are.  The different combinations make us unique.
     So fine, call me the prude or the straight-edge, you're only just scratching the surface.

17 and Summertime

     Every summer my best friend and I have taken to making a list of goals for the next few months, a summer bucket-list if you will.  Well apart from that here's my own personal summer bucket-list, that I know you're just dying to read:

• Watch the sunset at the beach
• Reconnect with old friends
• Read a new book that has nothing to do with anything magical
• Finish my entire summer math packet for once
• Carve my name into a tree
• Make at least one July Saturday night unforgettable
• Avoid negative thoughts
• Meet a new good-friend
• Do not judge anyone based on others' opinions
• Do a front flip on a trampoline
• Bleach my hair again
• Take at least one new risk
• Make memories and keep some secrets
• Not worry

     So there you have it, along with my other list of typical-teenaged-girl summer to-do's, this one is my very own.  Why not just mix this one up with the one me and my friend have? Well that's an easy question; this is my summer being 17, and she still gets to have her 16th summer which is already special in so many ways.  So it may be silly, but there you have it.  Fingers crossed!

It's the Age of Innocence

     There have been times when I've wished I grew up in the 60s, the 20s, and especially the 90s.  I read books, watch shows, and learn about those decades; especially the 90s.  But, when I stepped back and looked at Beverly Hills 90210 or Saved by the Bell I realized something: it's all in my head.  Their lives seem like so much fun.  Back in a time when dating was a process that involved a getting picked up at the door, a movie (possibly dinner beforehand) and maybe, just maybe, a little kiss goodnight.  A time when clothing didn't have to be revealing to be considered good-looking.  A time when good, clean fun was the only type of fun there was.  If only that was the case.  It's not about when they grew up, because I'm sure that a few decades down the line there will be teenagers wishing they had grown up at the turn of the millennium.  Life can always seem innocent if that's the way you want it to be.  The truth is, the age of innocence is not when you're a little kid, it isn't a certain decade either.  The age of innocence is the time period when someone forgets all the hardships and pointless fights that have happened, it's that rare moment (after you've grown up a bit a realized that life isn't always rainbows and butterflies) when you flash back and see your life as the decade you want to be in, see it as the best time in the world.  We learn from the mistakes and the awesomeness of the times before us to shape a unique and thrilling world of our own.  It's not really an era, it's more of a mentality.

Fact: My Brother Loves Tom Delonge.

     Whether it's Blink-182, Boxcar Racer, or Angels and Airwaves, my brother is all but infatuated with Tom Delonge.  Why am I saying this?  Why is this worth a post?  That's simple:  I like those bands because he showed them to me; I fell in love with them because of him.
      There's this one song by Boxcar Racer, "There Is", that my brother showed me his freshmen year of high school.  How do I remember this?  My brother had a crazy girlfriend that made him sing her this song on skype almost every night.  Well,  my he is not a freshmen in high school anymore, in fact he's done with Good Counsel and in a couple of weeks he'll have officially graduated.  Besides the multiple bands that he has introduced me to, when I think of his for years of high school I think about the people that were around him.  As much of a loner as everyone seems to think he is, he has always had someone there.
      Freshmen year he has this crazy girlfriend from a different state.  She seemed decent but turned out to be a but psycho.  Then the summer was devoted to his oldest friend, my other brother, a couple other old camp friends, and these two girls he befriended at school earlier that year.  Then sophomore year there was this stoner chick (not a fan) and his bestfriend-turned girlfriend, she was nice.  There also were some newer school friends, these came sophomore year but they never left, and I hope they never will.  Summer goes back to typical summer friends but with new addition of these new boys.  Junior year came and along with that came a senior girlfriend! Yeah, sounds cool in theory, but she was weird too.  I never liked her much.  Then came summer, classic friends.  And finally, during his senior year he asked out the bestfriend he had dated sophomore year.
     That's my brother in people.  Those are the people I think of when I think of him these past years.  As weird as some of them were, they were so meant for him.  He had fun and, even though it didn't seem like it, he had a pretty stereotypic high school experience.  What am I going to do without him next year?

Starlight, Starbright

     I want my ceiling to be alive with stars again.  When I was little they were like a cool nightlight when I was getting weaned off a real nightlight.  Then, as I got older they became more of something magical; something that connected my world to the worlds of the books that I'd read.  Now I still read those books, but there's no connection to my world anymore.  The few stars (and meteors) that remain don't shine and together barely make a dull glow.  I want my nights to be alive again.  I wish the stars would come back.

When did I become old enough to go to Prom?

     Yeah, what?  Prom is for older people, for teenagers...oh wait, that's me.  Well there are two roads I can go down at this point: the one that recedes back into my childhood and refuses to accept that I'm growing up, or the one that embraces my 16-going-on-17 self and milk my prom experience for all it's worth.

     That all seems dandy, until you factor in that it's not just one magical dance that I will remember for the rest of my life...they're three (and that's just this year)!  In the movies it's only one high school, one prom, one year.  I guess I was naive enough to think that that's how it would be for me when I become of age.  I forgot to factor one little thing in however: I don't go to public school, and the catholic school system screws up the whole movie idea that I've worked up in my head ever since I've been old enough to watch Disney Channel.  Instead of one school, there are at least six.  Instead of just seniors at prom, because of the lack of students, there are seniors and juniors.  Instead of a prom king and queen, there is a prom queen and a princess.

    

     So I guess my many proms won't ALL be completely memorable, but the only way I'll find out is if I act like each prom is my only one.  At least one better be memorable this year, for all the stress it's worth.

The Whole Wide World is Mine.

     So here I am once again running for SGA president.  This time is different though because I'm running for both school and class president.  Ever since freshman year I've had the dream that I'd be class president all four years.  At first it started as a blind ambition, a wanting to be in charge of something.  As the years passed my goal didn't change, but the reasoning behind it did.  I stopped wanting to be remembered and respected; I wanted to help the people that mean so much to me.  I know it sounds incredibly cheesy but it's true.  I want to make a difference in my class, I don't want myself to be remembered, I want my class to.
      So here I am, torn between only running for class president or not places my eggs all in one basket and making my odds of being elected a little greater.  I know what I have to do if I truly care about making next year, my senior year, unforgettable.  So I'll run for both, I will not pick one over the other, I will be happy no matter the outcome, I will help and support whoever gets elected; I can do it.  It's the classic case of the little engine that could.  I think I can, I think I can, therefore I will.  At least that's the optimistic view of everything, and that's okay to have.
     So, in the words of Angels and Airwaves, "everyday I wake and tell myself little, harmless lie: The whole wide world is mine."

May the odds be EVER in your favor.

     Yes it is a Hunger Games reference, no this post is not going to be all about the book-turned-movie phenomenon.  So I don't believe in good or bad luck, I think it's what you make of a situation that determines what kind of luck you have.  I consider myself an incredibly lucky person, not because I always win contests and prizes, but because what I do get seems to be better than anything I could ever ask for.
     I think I started being contest-lucky in fourth grade, that's when I started to notice it at least.  We had a bake-sale at lunch and I put a couple of tickets into the pot just out of habit (at this point I really had no hope in ever winning one of those cakes).  The end of the day comes and they're about to announce the winners so I turn to my friends and start talking about how I never win, and what do you know, "Camila in 4th grade" is what the student on the PA says.  The day I brought home that baseball cake was passed in complete, surprising bliss.  Ever since then I have won many more raffles, a couple of contests, and a chance to ask a lead singer to prom on stage.  I don't know about you but I'd call that pretty lucky.
     But it's not the cake, or the prizes, or even the prom date that matters.  The prom date fell through but I'm not disappointed; I'm too lucky to be disappointed.  The reason all those things are so special is because i never expect to win, I'm never confident in my luck even though I have a fairly decent track record.  I enter things because they go to a good cause, my friends asked me to, or I just do it out of habit.  Sharing whatever reward I have with my friends is the best part.  The shock that comes across their face all but supersedes my own.
     So I am lucky, I'm lucky to have friends that I can share these things with.  I have amazing luck to have had so many best friends throughout my life that I've never felt alone.  Whether they leave the state or we just lose touch, I'm sad but at the same time it makes room for another person to come in and create lasting memories with me.  I guess I'm lucky that they leave at the perfect time for someone else to walk in.  That's all there really is to it, friends that is.  I know it sounds really cheesy but as long as you have those two or three people that you wouldn't change for the world, good and bad, no matter how long they stay, you should consider yourself lucky.  I know I do.
     So here's a list, a list of my greatest accomplishment in the luck category in no particular order.  If I did believe in good and bad luck, I'd say I've had the best luck so far.
EF
NT
AT
JR
LN
PR
LS
VM
MM
MF
FR
TC
PM
MF
AR
MC
SS
and I wouldn't take anyone off this list for the world.

Fact: Boy Friends are way better than Boyfriends

     Boy-Searching, Boy-Shopping, Boy-Hunting.  It doesn't matter what you call it, we all did it.  Whether it was hitting up the mall or scoping out dances, one of the main activities for you and your group of girl friends was to try and make more guy friends.  Now that we're a bit older we can ditch the cheesy name and simply say we're going to meet new people.  You start at an early age to think that the only way you make friends with the opposite gender is to go out of your way with a group of people to make yourselves known.  Well I'll tell you one thing: it was a lot easier back then.
     Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll miss those days of "boy-hunting", it was just a lot easier to meet new people when the aforementioned objective was on the forefront of  everyone's minds.  There are so many ways to meet people when you're younger because you don't know anyone to begin with, every face you see is a potential new friend.  Now, we always used to say all we wanted was to be friends with those guys that we'd meet, but we all know that's a lie.  Back then you met a guy so you could like him.  Unfortunately, we've exhausted all our boy-meeting efforts on those futile and very shallow reasons so that when you get a bit older and decide you do want new guy friends, there are no more to meet!  What seemed like the easiest thing in the world has now become rather difficult and tedious.  The bigger your social circle gets (and it expands exponentially during that first year of venturing out into society and befriending everyone that looks your age) the harder it becomes to keep expanding.  It's gotten to the point where everyone knows everyone and there is no way to meet a person without already having some sort of link to them!
     It may just be the catholic school system, it may just be microscopic Montgomery County, it might just be the amount of people in my age group in general, whatever it is...I hate it.

The Lying Game

     I'm playing my own lying game.  The scary part is I don't want to play; I'm stuck inside my own lying game.

     It was easier when I only had one best friend, but recently so many great people have strolled into my life that the list has gotten four times as big.  Most of the time the number doesn't affect me, but lately I'm caught in the middle of something I couldn't care less about.
     The closer you get to someone the more you trust them, and in turn, the more they trust you.  The more they trust you, the more they tell you.  People trust me; they trust me for a reason.  If someone asks me not to tell anyone, I don't.  It's simple and easy, or at least it was.  The closer you get with someone the more you want to tell them until it gets to the point where you want to tell them everything.  You can see where having more than one best friend gets conflicting.
     Lying about knowing, lying about how much, lying about what exactly it is.  You can have all the details from both sides and still not be able to say a word.  When I said I was playing my own lying game before, I lied.  It's not my game, I am just one of the pawns.  If I choose to quit it means I restrict people being able to talk to me; if I choose to quit I lose.  If I keep playing my friends  are gonna tear me apart slowly and unknowingly; if I choose to keep playing, I lose.  My two friends, they are the players moving my piece around the board.  I can't side with either because that means I don't agree with one.  I can't keep defending one to the other.  I'm stuck inside a lose-lose situation.
 
     Let's go back to when Candy Land was the only game people liked playing.